i think my mom watched the whole time
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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