how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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