I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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