I am puke
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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