did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
