Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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