Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
