Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
