Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
