Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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