found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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