i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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