I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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