You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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