miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize