You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
