I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
