Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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