I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize