Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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