I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
