I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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