My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
