How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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