Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
