Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
