she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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