I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
