Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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