Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize