My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
