My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
