My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
