I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
