I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
