I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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