There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
