If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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