Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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