Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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