Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I need a burrito and a hug.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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