omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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