he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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