i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
