Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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