and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
