I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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