I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
