So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
