The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize