listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
