Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
