that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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