That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
