My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
