I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
