I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
